Football

I once played football, was an outside tackle, all the men would gasp and the women would cackle, I played at UT but it wasn't inside, twas out in the parking lot, protecting my hide, oh wait, its coming back, getting clearer for sure, it was the law tackling me up against my car door!!!

Rollback

My rollback wont roll, my wreckers a wreck, when I walk I hear a strange rattle, I'm trying to diagnose my bad self, I conclude its polio of the straddle;My water just broke, oh what a mess, whatever else could go wrong, oh now I know cause of polio, I can no longer wear my red thong!Sorry for the picture I put in your mind,I just stuck my head in a noose, and now I notice these ramblings, sound alot like ol Dr Suess

Hearts

If our hearts were as warm as our houses what a wonderful world it would be, on the other hand if our houses were as warm as our hearts, some people would have fostbite!

Sack of Marbles

Life is like a sack of marbles, you never know when you'll get rolled, but as long as I have my facebook friends, I always have a little gold; Some of you send me hearts, others smack me with a pillow, when fighting with my balls of snow, I missed your pussywillow; with tears of laughter flowing, I'm gonna stop right here, after all it is Friday night, I think I'll grab a beer!!!

Support Our Troops

It's been 4 days since last I posted, I think I'll hit the road, I'll dance with a goldfish in the bathroom, before I flush the commode, the girls, they had been posting numbers with inches at the end, at least with the one my wifey posted, I won't have to defend; To sum it up at this time, I'm telling all my groups, you better bet your sweet asses that I support our troops!

Killer Whale

As the moon peeks o'er the horizon, the sparkling frost illuminates, another day will cycle, if the morning sun participates, I only hope that with this day, a warmth will fill the air, and to be nicer than before, won't freeze my derriere. I will be fine, I checked it out, still talking about my tail, cause there's more blubber on my ass than on a killer whale!!!

Global Warming

Where is global warming, my globe is too dang cold, listening to Gore and others, sure is getting old. This is the kind of weather that makes me sneeze and cough, as I try to walk to the car, I'm freezing my ass off! If this really worked, I think I would decide, to lose some of my big old butt by going back outside!

Bra Colors

The "girls" are posting colors, I think I figured why, I would post mine also, but I am way too shy, but if I was to tell you what my color be, I would have to say, mine are hangin free, now that everyone has that picture in their mind, I think I'll go through my closet to see what I can find!!!

Manstrating

have been short with all my friends, no pun intended here, my ankles are so swollen, I fear the end is near; I've gained ten pounds as you can see by the size of my thighs, but seriously I am not fat, I'm just retaining fries; These symptoms are familiar as these words I am creating, tis why I hate this time of month, for I must be manstrating!!

Cherokee Lake

The raging sea was bouncing off the side of my little boat, I had no idea how much longer it could stay afloat, so I prepared for the end by drinking all my stash, and as I finshed the last bottle, I heard a mighty crash, I thought that I would perish, I prayed for goodness sake, twas at this time I realized it was only Cherokee lake!

For Deb Anderson Manis

From the ashes of a burning house, a family appears, nothing left but the memories they've collected over the years, it's hard to find a blessing, but we know there is one here, everyone is alive and well as we wipe away a tear. Please join me in a prayer for this displaced family, as they start over on their future, the Lord will oversee! This is for the family of Deborah Anderson Manis

Twisted Mind

I conceive these words for those, that read between the lines, with little hints and glimpses into this twisted mind; from the times of riding horses to the driving of the our cars, from the depths of the ocean to the outline of the stars, you may often wonder how my mind got full of fog, I got this way when I broke my neck trying to imitate my dog!

New Years

Tis the first day of the new year, my resolution isn't hard, I'll try to pay off all my bills, with my Lastercard! The interest rate is 12 percent, the late charge is a dollar, if you want to apply for one, just give me a holler. There is no charge for cash advance, cause there's no cash to give, so keep your money in your pants, if you want to live!

Commode

Ode to one of my favorite places, where I have made some awesome faces, this room it holds my favorite chair, it's also where I brush my hair, where my reflection looks back at me, and I sit for hours so carefree, sometimes I treat it as my tomb, some people call it the bathroom, it doubles as my library, and now I know that you can see, why I wrote this little ode, about the room with the commode!

Breeze

As the breeze blows through the valley of life, another year must end, what air we breath from ere' is ours, on us it will depend! As I reflect on 2009, some loved ones have been lost, extinguishing the flame around us, so far I have no cost; I look ahead for the road I travel, growing weary evermore, and just when my faith seems to subside, God will open another door!

spayed or nuetured

My wife read my last writings and said "let me tell you honey, those diary things you're posting just ain't that dang funny", so I said "why don't you top it, smartass, if you think you can", and thats when I got hit in the head with the fryin pan! I laughed so hard I "peed" my pants, so now I'm on the computer, because where she kicked me next, I might be "spayed or nuetured!!!

DOFMM: pt.2

After attempting to tie my shoes, my back hurts, sat down in a V.W. and it turned over, I just flew in from North Pole and man is that plane tired! I am dieting, only ate one kid today, after all, it is Christmas. My cholestrol has been up so I will not be eating salt with my beer tonight and Mrs. Dash is not an alternative!

A heartfelt Happy Birthday

A heartfelt Happy Birthday to the one who gave his ALL! He stands with us, always, picks us up when we fall; 2009 years ago you were placed upon this earth, and now we celebrate the blessed day of your birth! When the deeds we do seem overwhelming, upon you we can lean, and you even forgive us, when we don't live life so clean! Thank god and thank you Jesus..... Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Diaries of a Fatman

Well I'm going to start something new, "diaries of a fat mad man" like tonight is a very busy night, I have gained much weight since last year, as I have gotten stuck in 26 chimneys and fell through 634 roofs and flattened the tires on 13 mobile homes, and all my reindeer have bad backs from pulling my ass!!! I used to think I was big-boned but have yet to see a fat skeleton!!!

Email or Text

I am contemplating what is next now that I'm not rhyming, to send an e-mail or maybe text, I think it is the timing, Oh crap I'm stuck, now what to do, won't someone help me please, just slap me right upside my head, or kick me in the knees!!!

Merry Christmas Facebook Family

Memories of old, cascading through my mind, reminiscence of yesteryear, a considerably simpler time, the meaning of Christmas has lost some of it's luster, but wishing you the very best with all that I can muster. It's not about the gifts, nor the way that they are priced, it's about celebrating, the birth of Jesus Christ! Merry Christmas to all my facebook friends and family!!!

Have Yourself a Hairy Little Christmas

Have yourself a hairy little christmas, look at santas beard, then you can go to walmart looking really wierd! Have yourself a hairy little christmas, tickles when you kiss, planting your red lips upon my rear proves this. Through your ears and nose it will be growing, happens all the time, so now I'm stopping this nasty little christmas rhyme, just have yourself a hairy little christmas time!

Bells will be ringing

(Bells will be ringing) I tried on a tu-tu, I have bad news, busted the bottoms, now I've got the blues, ain't got no feelin in my rear-end, instead of a tu-tu should of tried a ten-ten. I will be belching all through the night, it won't be pretty, it won't be right; please feed me for christmas; please feed me for christmas, if not for christmas, then feed me tonight!

Playin With Myself

Up on the housetop playin with myself, out of the chimney pops an elf, He's got him a handful of sex toys, and three naked ladies makin some noise. Ho ho ho, where did you go, I said ho ho ho, where did you go, up on the housetop, click click click, down through the chimney pullin my .... Put on your stocking Nudy Nell, ooh ooh ooh, whats that smell, hey there Dolly, what big thighs, I can't see thru my watering eyes

Oh the rabbits in here are dyin

Oh the rabbits in here are dyin, in the pan they are a fryin, I guess I'll go out in the snow and shoot a doe shoot a doe shoot a doe! Now you know I'm real fond of eatin, and as long as my heart is beatin, I'll roll anything in dough, don't you know don't you know don't you know! When I finally get it right, I'll be eatin here where its warm, but I don't see a deer in sight, I was hopin there'd be a swarm!