Stare Into My Eyes

Stare into my eyes, sparkling blue you will see, look into my soul you become part of me, if you're in my heart there's one thing you will know, I'll care for you sincerely and love for you I'll show, if you don't like what you see in my heart and soul, stare into my ass and you'll see a big asshole!

Pissed Again

Pissed again am I, and now I'll tell you why, I was walking down the road eatin me some pie, a car pulled up next to me and a guy that acted smart, hollered out the window "Hey asshole, need a jump start?", bein the sarcastic ass I am, I replied with the news, "shows you what you know dumbass, I'm rotating my tennis shoes!"

Moe Laster

 If I were 7ft. tall this 340lbs wouldn't be so much, but at 5 foot 7 my toes I cannot touch, things could be worse for this I know, my parents could have named me Moe, I'd much rather be referred to as fatbastard, than to have the law out lookin for Moe Laster!

Happy Mothers Day

Tis the first Mothers day without my loving mother, one who always cared when there was no other, this is for the ones who's mother has passed on, now taking care of heaven for our savior, number one, Happy Mothers day I'll shout into the sky, and missing her so dearly brings a tear to my eye, someday we will meet again when this life closes, and I will give her a dozen of the most awesome roses!

Car

If I were a car, what kind would I be, A volkswagon beetle looks alot like me, the older model, slow and round, we both weigh about a thousand pound, engine in the rear the front holds the gas, my engine and gas are both in the ass, if I were to mate with one it would be swifter, between the wheels there'd be a big shifter! One other thing to you I will warn, if the light is just right you can see my horn!

Sun Set

High upon ye yonder ridge the trees are in full bloom, nature at its finest, breathtaking to consume, beauty is in the eye of the true beholder, the sun is setting on the horizon, could it be much bolder, the moon will soon take over as the skys darken, tis is the time of the night I used to go parkin, romance by the dashboard lights, I thought it was so neat, just too bad that I no longer fit in the back seat!

Show Support

Heres my way of showing support to our emergency personnel, like central dispatch doin there job and doin it very well, and as for rescue and EMS, there's no better in the land, when you get your ass stuck in the commode they will lend you a hand, and firefighters that put you out when your ass is on fire, to the officers that haul people in even when they're feelin tired!

The Life We Save

If you support POLICE OFFICERS, FIREFIGHTERS,EMS and DISPATCHERS then post this on you're status and leave it there for at least one hour. There should be no excuses from anyone.This should appear in everyones status!!!! God Bless and protect our POLICE OFFICERS, FIREFIGHTERS, EMS!!!!!!!Show some Love..The life we
save..just may be yours..!

More than 28 Years

I take a look at myself and what do I see, a little Homer Simpson crossed with Al Bundy, hands in my pants, while hollerin "d'oh", married to a wonderful woman named Jo, had to write somethin nice about her to all, or she's gonna hit me with my own bowlin ball, when she thinks about me her eyes are full of tears, cause she's had to put up with my ass for more than 28 years!

Nurses Week

I understand its nurses week, I sure like nursin, everytime I try my wife starts cursin, I might have taken this out of context, who knows what I'll screw up next, but if you can take me seriously, without our nurses where would we be, for when I'm in the hospital and feelin so down, the nurses keep telling me to lowermy gown! I am priveledged to call them my friends, practical, registered, and LPN's!

Stacy Vaughan

I'm proud to call him friend, he's a good'n, if your feelin down, he'll give ya puddin, he's probly not cute in a thong, I'm singin about Stacy Vaughan; Oh Stacy oh Stacy where ya been, you're bein paged by a friend, you make me laugh, while tippin a calf, this is your fat redneck friend; If you break the law in his town, he'll probly take your ass down,so walk that straight line and you'll be just fine, I'm proud he's a friend of mine!

Paperback Rider

I'm riding on a book and it isn't hardbound, I'm in the sky flyin round and round, they say I'm crazy and I must agree, just read the crap that I write about me, paperback rider, I'm a paperback rider, now my book crashlanded, I'm in intensive care, I should have had on clean underwear, I guess my paperback book ran out of gas, there's 50 pages stuck in my ass, I'm a paperback rider, paperback riderrrrrr!

Long Day

Been a long day and I'm oh so tired, had to get a mitsubishi wired, had to wake up and unlock a car, luckily Webster valley ain't far, my eyeballs hurt deep in the socket, lost my change, had a hole in my pocket, my head is a hurtin along with my eyes, might just have to get my neck circumsized! One skin two skin three skin four, I better shut up before I say anymore!

New Sheriff In Town

Time to celebrate, put on your best gown, we got us a new sheriff in town, name of Ronnie Lawson, I think he's the best, he just kicked butt to pass his first test, I know he will show us of what he is made, for his friendship there's nothing I would trade, now shout from the rooftops yippe-kye-ya, and now for Hawkins county a brand new day!!!

Election Day

 It's crunch time Hawkins county, election day is here, please get out and vote, the choice is really clear, I'll cast my vote for Ronnie, I think he is the man, to lead the next four years like no other man can, he has integrity and is more than qualified, I'm sure he will be leading with his Savior by his side, if you have no ride, but you want to vote, go to my profile and call me, thats where my numbers' wrote!

Boss

I once was a "car guy" but I didn't panic, it wasn't very long til I was a mechanic, then one day while I was at the river fishin, technology changed while I was out so I became a technician, now I'm old and fat but my brain is still a hoss, I tell others what to do because I'm now the boss!

Robin

This one is for Robin who does her job so well, helping people when their sick or maybe when they fell, but someone has told me sometimes she can't remember, things that happen from early October to September, but her sister loves her, I know cause I can tell, she made me write these golden lines cause paybacks are hell! Now I hope I don't catch on fire playin wit some gas, Robin'd probly tell me to carry my own ass!

Robin Carter Greer

A sisters love is 4ever I think it is the best, maybe that is why I've gotten this special request, Robin thinks that Donna should be hunting her a man, maybe one thats tall and handsome with an awesome tan, now Donna is so sweet and such a lovely mother, anyone thats gets stuck with her would never need another! To end this rhyme I think there is somethin you should hear, this idea was born from Robin Carter Greer!

Space Plowboy

Some people call me the space plowboy, some call me the doctor of dung, some people call me mooorece, cause I speak with a slightly silver tongue, people talk about me maybe, sayin I'm doin ya wrong, doin ya wrong, well dontcha worry, don't worry, cause I'm right here, right here right here desrtoyin this song, well I'm a Laster, a fatbastard, and I'm a little bit plastered

Drug

The drug industry has one thing on its mind, the big ones are not worried about the wellness of mankind, I think their more obsessed with increasing man's unit,oh how I wonder if they are ever goin to quit, now they have came out with an extra strong viagra, good for eighteen holes, I think its named Tiagra!

Burn My Ass

The incandescent flicker, of a candles flame, lack of oxygen kills the candle, no one is to blame, thoughts inspired by this flame are rare without a doubt, thoughts imprisoned in ones mind puts the candle out, I try to create fire with both oxygen and gas, the problem with this theory is sometimes I burn my ass

DAMN THAT RIVER

 "DAMN THAT RIVER, DAMN THAT RIVER", TVA shall scream, we must make electric power from that water stream, without us you all would perish now give us all your cash, and we will pollute that lazy river with all of our trash, We will decide how much abuse each of you will take, while we decide the water level of your downstream lake!

Shadows

Shadows in the moonlight, depth of the unknown, unforgiving darkness, relentlessly alone, as I scream in anticipation of solidarity, something grabbing, pulling, trying to get ahold of me, I fight the creatures of the night with high adrenaline, but trying to sustain sanity it seems I cannot win, the sound of dirt dropping upon my cold dark casket, knowing that I should have replaced my cylinder head gasket!

Time

Time passes so quickly much to my dismay, my clock is now a calendar my hour is a day, since manapause has passed I have no grasp of time, and everything I say seems to end up as a rhyme, at least with all these happenings I know I'm still a male, I once was of the human species, but now I am a whale!

Storm

The skys are dark, the wind is up, the lightning strikes the ground, the animals run for safety as another tree comes down, the boats are docked, the waves are crashing, it is an angry sea, nothing the mortal man can do, for what will be will be; There was a time that I was such a fearless sailor, but now I'm sittin down real hard, tryin to save my trailer!

Callin it a Rap

I'm now goin to quit and call it a rap, I know everyone is tired of my crap, I am so happy that my body is round, cause weebles wobble but we don't fall down, I hope everyone has a wonderful night, I am tryin my best with all of my might, to close the lid on this scratched-up laptop, so that my horrible ramblings will finally stop!!!

World War One

There was a day in world war one, a private realized he didnt have a gun, his commander handed him a broomstick and said, point this, go ratatatat and hes dead, so the private hit the beach goin ratatatat, the enemy fell dead imagine that, then out of the woods came a really big yank, ran over the private goin tankity tank!

Fallen Down

I've now fallen down on my farmtown farm, pretty sure I broke my left arm, my tractor is heading straight for my straddle, my horse just hit me with his new saddle, the goat is giving me that loving look, the water is rising in my fake brook, I'm loosing my breath and starting to wheez, and all of those flowers are makin me sneeze!

Out of Bud Light

This will be my last post of the night for I have ran plum out of Bud light, oh wait I found some tequila to drink, it was hiding deep under the sink, now if I can think of something to write, I'll be back on later tonight, luckily you can't see through the p.c screen, when my clothes come off I look really mean!

Insect

The insect species is an interesting bunch, some people even eat them for lunch, roaches and ants and all crawly things, some of them fly because they have wings, the bees make sure we have beautiful flowers, flys fly around for hours and hours, the thing that amazes me when nature calls, has anyone ever gazed upon a moths balls?

Capt. Morgan

The last time I wrote twas about my organ, this time I am writin about Capt. Morgan, I told my wife I was buyin a boat, she said that the chance was just to remote, I told her don't fear she would be a winner, If I had a boat, she'd have a little captain in her!

On a Roll

While I'm on a roll I'm gonna keep writin, some of you may find this too frightnin, have I told you that I am musically inclined, but knowin my luck I'll probly get fined, my guitar is broke, my cheese brand is borden, I gave up the piano to play with my organ!

Mickey D's

Went to Mickey D's ordered a big mac and a beer, they said they were sorry could not purchase that here, so I tried to order mcnuggets and wine, they acted like I was commiting a crime, so home I went where I am respected, said hi to my wife thenI got rejected, so I sat on her and she got ever so whiny, and told me to move my big old fat hiney!

Serious

Sometimes I can be serious, I think that time is here, I'm mourning for the young ones we have lost this year, please don't use your cell phones when you try to drive and you'll have a better chance of getting there alive, so many distractions already exist as you drive a car, so use your head while driving no matter where you are!

Wifes Password

 Well now I'm in the doghouse I stole my wifes password, she called me lots of names then she shot me a big bird, I'm not talkin bout sesame street but the one thats on the hand, just because I wrote about her big old sexy man, I wonder when she'll learn just how lucky that she be, to be married to a 330lb sexy man like me!

Appreciation

I whisper softly in your ear, but you don't hear a thing, I raise my voice so ever slightly and then I start to sing, my words fall upon the ground, this surely is not fun, and when I holler in your face somebody calls 911, I splain to the officer my intent was not meant to offend, for this is the day to show appreciation to my facebook friend! I truly appreciate each and everyone of you!

Dilema

 Another dilema has come my way, now what could it be, my truck won't start my dog is hungry and my iphone still can't see; The english language has been condensed with letters like LOL, and now I have to say WTH instead of what the hell? We are being told how we sould live by the Washington brass, then I say BMBOA which means bite my big old ass!

Curve Ball

When life throws a curve ball, I grab a bigger bat, I will not succumb to feelin down for that's not where it's at; Whether you read my crap on here or meet me eye to eye, whatever problems you may have to ease your pain I'll try; With that said you know I'm shy, reserved and have no will, if you believe this I'd like to sell you some beachfront property in Rogersville!

Nightmares

 I scream in the darkness, such insanity, my wife then wants to know what is ailing me? Nightmares pursued throughout the night, happy to awake, I just dont know how much more this old fatass can take! Tormented mind will deviate from resemblance of mankind, Its just so hard to get that dang Bugs Bunny off my mind!

Japaneze

 I rearry think its funny when I speak Japaneze, like rubbing rotion on my nose when I have to sneeze, and when my regs are aching and my Rexus will not start, I'll have to take my cadirrac to buy a rincoln part, if you forrow my rambring I guess that I should say, it's not to rong before we have our own erection day!

Good Dispatcher

A good dispatcher will always tell you where to go, and thats when their not working, just thought you ought to know, now Gaye you know I'm kiddin and I appreciate your bunch, and if I could afford it I'd take ya'll to lunch, Larry, Charlotte, Melissa and probly even Chuck would now like to tell me where I can stick my truck! YA'LL DO AN AWESOME JOB!!!

No One to Talk To

Chat is down for maintenance, what shall I do, nobody to talk to makes me go "boo-hoo", I guess I'll just make up a status and post it right here, then go outside and see if I can spot a mattadeer, if you wonder what's a mattadeer you might find it funny, for if you ask me what it is I'll just say "nuttin hunny"!

Early Voting

Whispering voices in the darkness, how sad that this would be, make sure you let your voice be heard by voting for Ronnie, Lawson is of whom I speak he's oh so qualified, to be the next sheriff of Hawkins county, you know I'm on his side, whether you have to hitch a ride, or even beg or borrow, get out an shout for your choice, early voting begins tomorrow!

Gratitude

Let's show grattitude to our emergency personnel, like the ones that show up for us when we're not feeling well, I'm talkin about rescue, fire and EMS, and the dispatchers that send them, I think they're all the best, and lets not forget the cops that come everytime we scream, who's response time might be a little slower if we had a Krispy Kreme! (I kid because I care, LMAO)

WARNING

WARNING WARNING WARNING.....now that I have your attention, for the sicker of mind like myself there's no longer suspension, the southpark facebook episode is on at eleven oclock, I watched it wednesday night and almost tore my....sock, its on comedy central, charter 58, some of you will like it, for others its too late! (Parental guidance is suggested.)

Pharmville

I got an idea from a friend, a new game called Pharmville, we could plant all kinds of drugs and hire people to kill, what an awesome game tis be, we could have it all, and the older folks could come by and harvest Geritol, we'd have to hire farm hands to keep the druggies out, we may even plant something that just might cure "the gout"! Hmmmm, slow day, ha ha!!

Tennis Balls

Days like this remind me of when I was athletic,but now with my fat body Im just so dang pathetic,I used to play all kind of sports this weather takes me back,to knockin out a round of golf while drinkin a six pack;Now I would go outside and try to get a tan,but I just sprained my ankle tryin to play pac-man,maybe I will just sit here and wait til someone calls,the only thing that I have left are two old tennis balls

Miss Facebook Friends

The internet was once in my trunks, the cell was in the jail, text was something in a book you read so you would not fail, my car had no computer thus no check engine light, a CD was something at the bank and kids would fly a kite, sometimes I yearn for older days when life was more laid back, but I sure would miss my facebook friends, this would be a fact!

Pee In the Sand

I may never be a Wadsworth, nor Edgar Allan Poe, I may not sing like Conway Twitty, nor David Alan Coe, but when the wheels start spinning inside this empty head, you never know what may be written upon this open spread; To pee or not to pee, the question is at hand, I bet Shakespeare is rolling over as I pee in the sand!

Tormented mind

Writing with a tormented mind, heart upon my sleeve, hard to emulate my thoughts, even harder to believe, I just realized it's not my heart, here's how the story goes, the slimy stuff thats on my sleeve is where I blew my nose; I'm sorry for those of you that thought this would be deep, but my ass is draggin, my back hurts, and my mind has gone to sleep!

Missing

 As the day of Easter comes to a close, the meaning remains in our heart, I am so blessed to have the Lord Jesus, that gave his all from the start; To know that he is taking care of our loved ones that have left this life behind, and rejoicing in heaven, a tear in my eye, definetely eases my mind; Missing a brother, my father and mother!

Happy Easter

I'm wishing Happy Easter to everyone of you, where the bunnies, eggs and candy come from, I do not have a clue; Our Lord and savior was crucified so many years ago, then ascended two days later, for this part I know; He gave his life unselfishly so that we could live, and all our sins he promises that he will forgive; I do not understand the commercial part, I am just estatic to have Jesus in my heart!

Constitution

The constitution has lost its meaning, we do not have a choice, in todays legislation we do not have a voice, the delegates that represent us don't hear what we say, they think they are entitled to rule in their own way, I believe I'll call it The Constipation of the United States, because the shit ain't going nowhere outside the white house gates!

Typing Without Glasses

tieping wthout my glasses makes snese cause no mattr what I write it lokks good, now thats deep, if the depth of ones conscience mind is measured wit a yrd stick; To see or not to see, tht is the quesion, to perservere with blind lysdexia or teke time to fnd my glasses, and if I coold fin my hearin aid I coold here the displeasure form the masses!

Mow

Oh when the grass, covers your ass, it's time to mow, I got a wire in my mower tire, and it won't go, maybe I'll burn it, then try to turn it, I do not know, I'll fix my mower and maybe mow by the next snow, or just maybe, I'll be a baby and buy a new John Doe! Then when the clover starts taking over I just might mow!

Apologies

 Apologies you'll never hear, when I am not wrong, so you can stick it in your, ear or backside of your thong, I am the first one to admit when I make a mistake, but if I'm right I will tell you to go jump in a lake, now if you think that I'm irate and sound a little edgy, this is the way a fatman feels when he has a wedgy!

Leaves Returning

As the leaves return to the trees a warm feeling will follow, the warming of my heart and soul, I do not feel so hollow, my favorite time of the year is here as I'm breaking my usual theme, and drifting in mind to where I will find a second in time to dream, I will return to my sarcastic self for I be a Laster, and hopefully will fill your void with some much anticipated laughter!

Taylor Barker

I have a friend named Taylor Barker, he must be a good trailer parker, cause he's haulin haz mat and hasn't gone splat, so he must be a little bit smarter; He also picks and he sings, about all kinds of little things, I'm sure he is grinnin, his wheels are a spinnin, and he answers his phone when it rings!

Sandra

 Whether it be cakes, cookies, or even candy, you can always count on Sandy, I would have written her real name, but tryin to rhyme Sandra is insane, I'm sure someone will show me how, and to this person I will bow, oh wait a minute give me a handra, and get yourself some sweets by Sandra!

Shirley

Shirley oh Shirley now it is your turn, to comment on my posting you will "surely" learn, I know that you are nice and I will really try, to holler at you sometime when I am passing by, but if I do forget I hope you let me pass, and hope you don't decide to bust a cap into my ass!

Kimber

 To whom will be the object of my next few words, how about Kimber outside talkin to the birds, I'm sure she does this while she's walkin all her dogs, probably even has a conversation with some frogs, now one more line I'm writing just to get some kicks, I hope she doesn't see my image hidden in the bricks!

For Niece

This one is for my niece, the one I drove to school, her name is Bonnie Jean and she thought it was so cool, riding to school with her uncle in a bright orange 72 Duster, 100 mph on Burem and tryin to outrun Buster, then she got old enough to drive, she thought this was where it was at, until the day she got caught on Broadway, by an officer named Pat! (You asked for it!)

Two Girls Livin in Texas

There are 2 girls livin in Texas,one drives a vette not a Lexus,they are sisters at heart, have been from the start,the direction would be to the westes! Susan is older than Judy,think that it would be my duty,to inform you of this,I bet Susan is pissed, especially if she's in a bad moody! There are other Texans I know,my family and sister of Jo,don't worry Regina,I won't be too meana,when I add your butt to the show

Discuss Friends

 Tis the time to discuss my friends,you can expect a mess, some of you I know so well and for others I will guess, I have many friends name Lisa, two with the same maiden name, one of them's an old school chum, the other's not so tame, one is now a Linkous, the other is a Goins, and don't worry all you other Lisa's I know what I'm a doins!

Thanks Friend

Thanks to a friend I figured out why I'm so fat, multiple personalities must be where its at, there's more than one person livin inside of me, hell as big as I am there might even be three, one is sweet, one is not, the other's just crazy, wouldn't it just be my luck all three are so lazy, my friends and family will be the subject of my next posting, it will probably start out sweet then turn to roasting!

Reflections

 Reflections in a rippled lake, sometimes are distorted, but when the water's calm a clearer view is reported, the actuallity of this statement is supported by reality, things are much clearer when calm, easier to see, suspense of how this rhyme will end will call for a budweiser, for I'm no longer full of shit, I'm full of fertilizer!!!

Fatman

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, there lived and worked a fatman with just too much to say, one day it started raining and the fatman got all wet, he lost his voice and he was broke so he went and seen a vet; The vet took one look at him and said "son there's somethin wrong", but they don't make rectal thermometers anywhere near that long! 

The vet made an extension and then I felt the pain, he evidently did not know that's where I have my brain, he thought he found the problem and spoke ever so slow, he said I had fatassitis with a slight case of parvo, he gave me a shot for rabies and started an I.V., I started runnin round the office, then hiked my leg to pee!

After two days in a cage and a urinalysis, he handed me the bill and I took another piss, I said now Doc I do not have this much and I began to beg, it probably didn't help my cause by humping on his leg, he kicked me in the gnads then he jumped on his computer, the next thing I remember was waking up and being nuetured!

Thanks to Wandas post, I went and wrote act 4, I looked around the office and picked my nuts up off the floor, I tossed the doc my lastercard he said it was declined, so I bolted out the office, looking for a friend of mine, to my dismay I felt so strange, a bad feelin in my gut, I saw a gorgeous woman and started sniffing at her butt!

I escaped the office, and now I'm back at home, things are somewhat normal though I have an urge to roam, I tell you somethin now, this trip sure took it's toll, my wife has pissed me off by not filling my water bowl, there's good and bad to every story and now I'll set the tone, I told my wife to kiss my ass but found I now can kiss my own!

This is the final act, "bark", I now am feelin "ruff", I been outside chasin cats but found I'm not so tough, with the previous remarks that I made I have a hurting brain, Jo has kicked me in the head and put me on chain, from here on out I do not think you will hear a peep, she said if I don't srtraighten up she'd have me put to sleep!

Iron Rust

Iron man has rusted, his cybertronics has shut down, the one who has no feelings is headed toward the ground, just when you think your thickest skin can take anything, someone comes by and knocks you down and here's the song you sing, I have people that care for me, for this I am so glad, so I'll go back to writing shit, no matter good or bad!

Creatures to Love

There are so many creatures upon this earth to love, but the one I do not unsderstand is the turtle dove, to create an animal with no identity, does it belong to the bird or reptile family, and where was I when they were bred, what a sight that this would be, a bird moves so damn fast, the turtle moves like me, at least I feel so lucky that I got my wish, I was there when someone bred the kitty and the fish!

Diggin Crap pt 2

My septic tank saga continued today, got it covered in my own special way, there was a new contributing factor, as I had to sit on the blade of the tractor, the ground was hard, did not want to grade, until I placed my fat-ass on the blade, now there's a new story and you know I will tell it, I can take me a shit and don't have to smell it! (don't share...don't share....tooo late)

Hump Day

If today is hump day, why am I not humpin, the blood in my veins seems to be clumpin, the reason may be because I'm too fat, and my writing sounds like "The Cat in the Hat", when I shake my head I hear a strange rattle, I cross the road where there's suppose to be cattle, I need change for a twenty and need it right now, for letting me cross the road, I am tipping the cow!

Facebook Smoking Pot

 I believe facebook is smoking pot again, news feeds scewed up, I just can't win, it knows what happened 20 hours ago, cross tween an elephant and a rhino, elephino? They appear to have issues too often it seems, might be the crossing of too many moonbeams, they don't know they done it, I hope they don't try, to piss off this normally calm short fat guy!

Midnight Train

The philosophy of a lifetime, scribbled on a page, how does someone rely on wisdom from another age; The secluded mind cannot travel the way of harmony, the input that is needed for the mind to see; If one is not too careful the mind becomes a snare, trapped inside itself headed for nowhere; One thing that does not worry me is the stopping of my brain, it just took off to parts unknown on the midnight train!

Diggin Crap

I'm not at work due to pain in the back, that's what I get for diggin in crap, at least the guys at the shop won't hear, me shouting orders like a pain in the rear, but never fear I may be there soon, jumpin around like a big ole baboon, but those that know me know I can't jump, there is just way too much junk in my trunk!

Heavy Heart

I write these words with heavy heart for everyone to see, for I assume my heart is heavy, like the rest of me, these last two days have been so nice it's made me a believer, I think I'm coming down with something, just might be spring fever, the ambiance is brighter now then it's been in weeks, I just saw two birds kissing by the rubbing of their beaks!

Beautiful Day

This beautiful day, who could ask for more, the warmth, the sky, so much to adore, I even heard the chirp of a bird, too much to lay out in the way of a word, I would conceive more if my backhoe would crank, and I wouldn't have had to work on my septic tank, but now to describe it in so many words, the low part of the day was me workin with turds!

Oreo

Oreo, Oreo, wherefor art thou oreo, upon ye yonder table, me thinks it may be friday and ye know me not so stable; Ye all abound for art, me not be so quiet, me thinks me might have to delete my cookie diet, but thee deliciousness upon ye yonder table, I think the surgeon general should apply a warning label!

Hind sight is 20-2

Hind sight is 20-20, so this must make me blind, cause no matter how hard I try I can't see my bee-hind, there is no mirror wide enough for my manly frame, and if there was I'm sure it'd break and that would be a shame, but don't cry for me Argentina I think I am a "keeper", I think I'll go to the garage tomorrow and install a "back-up beeper"!!!

Gravity

Some people are like gravity, they try to pull you down, but true friends are helium, they lift you off the ground, the problem with this statement, helium's a gas, and I don't think there is enough to lift my big fatass, so I've come to the conclusion, although my friends are many, I would not want to break there backs tryin to lift me any!!! (hmmm slow day!)

Hills and Valley's of Hawkins County

Oh what a place upon this earth, nowhere I'd rather be, I'm talkin bout the hills and valleys of Hawkins county, as I converse with my friends, by way of messenger, it shows the way the times have changed with this I can concur; The only place to which compares to this place that I love, is the place I hope to be someday, the kingdom up above!

Turds Birth

As I gaze upon the stars the frustrations of the day subside, when the manipulation of the universe don't work I wander back inside, when my feelings overwhelm me I know that I have good friends, I'm just happy they don't know that I just soiled my depends, once again I started these mighty thoughts like a wordsworth, just to see the finished product is surely not worth a turds birth!

Babbling Brook

As the babbling brook sings a song, I try my best to follow along, but trying to make these bubbly sounds makes my head spin round and round, trying to take in all of the beauty that mother nature sends, from the snow covered tips of the mountains to the river and its bends, I suppose that the message I am sending for you too see, is there is no doubt that ole mother nature sure did not make me!

Old Man

 I knew an elderly woman, whose husband was havin some trouble, she took him to the Dr. and had him checked out on the double, after many hours of testing, the doctor had narrowed it down, its either aides or alzeimers he told her with a frown, well Dr. she asked, "how can I tell whats really the matter with Fred", Dr. said "drop him off at the store if he finds his way home, don't take him to bed!"

Balls

Has anyone seen my balls, I have to go bowling, I keep them in a sack when I'm not rolling, on monday nights I pull them out, so I can score high without a doubt, now don't get me wrong, I'm not a mean guy, and now I'm gonna tell ya why, I'm serious when duty calls, so nobody better be touchin my balls! OHhhh crap, don't post, don't post...

Sleep Evading

Its way too late and sleep is evading, seems like a good time to start creating, one of the things that leaps in my mind, an old easter joke that I think I can find; Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs when he's kickin, don't want nobody to know he's been screwin the chicken!!!

Parallel Universe

A parallel unverse would be a sight, night would be day and day would be night, I could have such a wonderful time, and who knows, my words may not even rhyme, It's also possible I would not be fat, if anyone of you can imagine that; I may be rich and not such a mess, but the friends I have now are just too priceless!

Presidents Day

Heart day is over, now it's presidents day, time to return to my recognizable way, Lincoln was cool, Clinton was a tool, and Nixon got in too much trouble, Regan was O.k thats what I say, and the two Bushes belonged in a bubble; Kennedy got shot, Barrack is a crock and I think he has the sense of rock, If I had the power, I'd be the man of the hour and throw his sorry ass off the dock!

Cupid

The object of affection is not found in appearance, the origin is in the soul, To find the one you're connected with tis once the hardest goal; The arrows being sharpened as I write these lines to join two hearts so dear, the most wonderful feeling on this earth I know is to hold your soul-mate near; Not to scare my friends on here, I know I sound stupid, I'm talkin bout my little friend, I believe his name is Cupid!

What Was I Thinkin

The % of magnitude for which the eye can see,are often deceiving the plight of humanity, some of us are blind to factors that seem to matter less, which is why we do not see others in distress,the superlative I'm searching for to use as my defense,is why did I use all these words to make no freaking sense;Now as my thoughts evade me and my mind is sinkin,I'm wondering down deep inside,what the hell was I a thinkin!

facebook Changes

Why is it when they change things, they want to call it simple, I know I'd like to squeeze this facebook format like a pimple; I am too old for changes, of this I am no fan, and try change it back somehow anyway I can, now granted I'm no genious, I'm not here to impress, If I must I will stay at a holiday inn express!

Interception

The Super bowl's over, and so is football, would be a good year to attend mardi gras, there would be so many people to meet, the party won't stop down on Bourbon street; Twas a good game til three minutes to go, then to the wrong person Peyton would throw, at this time of the interception, I bet that Archie regretted conception!!!

Racing

Yipee-ky-yay, racing is back, nice to see the fellas out on the track, faster speeds with less restrictions, there'll be more excitement, thats my prediction, last weekend just sucked, no good sports at all, this one has racing along with football, Harvick just won the big bud shootout, the season's begun without a doubt!

Snowball

I just discovered, while looking out the door, The snowman I built isn't there anymore, at least now I know when the snow"man" falls, the only thing thats left are those two snowballs!

Gloomy

I was feelin gloomy, then I talked to a friend, talked to another, now I'm on the mend, I wasn't feelin myself, couldn't get on track, then I figured out my hands were tied behind my back, now I'm feelin better, upon some friends that I can lean, but after I lean on them, they begin to scream, if you don't know what I'm sayin, listen to me, I think its called the law of relativity

Sandwich

I was fixin me a sandwich, started with roast beef, thats when I remembered that I ain't got no teef, so I put in the blender and watched it go around, and just before I finished it I noticed something brown, now i was gettin worried just let me tell you son, it sorta looked like crap, but it was only gray poupon!

Fatbastard

The picture says it all, I don't have to say a word, I'm talkin about the one I posted of "Fatbastard", but as you know, silent I'll never be, now I need some children to get in my belly! I would like to lose some weight, try to get thin, but I don't want a "gina" growin underneath my chin!!!

Rising Health Care

With health care prices climbing, oh so ever high, doctoring myself is what I thought I'd try; When I broke my leg, I made myself a splint, when I couldn't see, I taught myself to squint; When my heart stopped beating, I said "oh what the heck" and when my nose was bleeding, I put a tournaquet on my neck!

Getting Colder

I thought the snow was over, then I looked outside, now its turning colder and the roads ain't dried, gonna be worse than it was last night, my indian dance didn't work just right, most didn't know I was albino indian, ain't many of us, the bloodline's runnin thin, but don't worry bout me, i'm doin just fine, my indianname is "lasterlongtime"! Ha ha ha

Not The Sharpest Knife

With me not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, and to "clean up" one of my older jokes, I must wonder could virginia tech be a synonym for gyneclologist, what exactly is "Kentucky jelly", and why must I drive to Ohio to visit Cleavage??? Only 16% of sickminded people will copy this as their status!!!

Wrecker Man

The assumption is in place, a blanket of snow, and off to the grocery store we all go, milk piled so high in the steel wobbly cart, might be food city, maybe wal-mart, the main thing to do is not get excited, the wrecker I drive will be ignited, so if you get brave and you will, there's no doubt, just give me a call and I'll pull your ass out!!!

Simplistic Mind

 Conceptions of a simplistic mind, the thoughts that are within, just when you think you've mastered it, you must start over again; Solitude is the art of occupying time, without the help of others inside a simple mind, now after evaluating to the best of my despair, what's the correct word for playing with yourself, oh yea, it's solitaire!!!

Tired

I was feeling tired, so I went and took a nap, then my friend needed fertilizer, so I went and took a crap, another friend reminded me that I'm too old to fight, the rest of you think that I'm not wrapped so tight, well now I don't know what to say, the "love" I do not feel, my friend invited me to supper, but she was having seal!

Diet

I have tried every diet known to modern man, I even tried the fruit loop diet, then I ate Toucan Sam, I have tried shock therapy, powered by electric, I bet you've never seen a short fatass anorexic; I have eaten so much that it filled my hollow leg, and while sweating to the oldies, I ate poor ole Jenny Craig!!!